First there were dinosaurs; then a montage of gangsters eating spaghetti and stabbing stuff with “Gimme Shelter” playing in the background; then the Ramones and some breakdancing; all culminating in a gentrified paradise that smells like brunch and has countless ratchet ATMs that spit your money into the street.
The last point aside, as narratives for a city, you can do worse. There are apparently towns on this planet where hip-hop wasn’t invented and Fania Records and Madball and Basquiat never existed.
So, if you’ve just moved to New York or you’re visiting, we’d like to help you. The following is what we would recommend to anyone willing to set cynicism aside and enjoy the capital city of planet Earth.