The holiday travel season is upon us, beginning with our least fashionable of traditions, Thanksgiving. Festive gourds and flannel are not my cup of tea, honey. And of course it brings some of the most stressful thoughts: carry-on considerations for Thanksgiving travel.
As you begin packing your Lotuff No. 12 Weekender, it is important to consider what items may garner a raised eyebrow when passing through airport security. Here are my top five items that every well-traveled homosexual should give a second thought when preparing for their flights this Thanksgiving.
- Prosecco. Absolutely do not pack a bottle of sparkling wine in your carry-on, nor in your checked bag. You’d think this goes without saying, but here we are saying it. And if you’re running late for your flight (which you will be) and haven’t finished your prosecco in the lounge, don’t pour it in an air-tight travel bottle. It will certainly spew forth on you and your neighbors the moment you unscrew the top. That’s sure to create quite a buzz and an angry flight crew. A disposable coffee cup is much more practical!
- Douche Nozzle Shower Kit. The ultimate gay travel accessory! It will raise a flag in the TSA screening process though. If it does, they will want to pull out that entire apparatus for a full examination. Be prepared to explain and possibly demonstrate its use. This would be a wonderful time to pay for a checked bag.
- Rhinestone Peacock Clutch. If you pack your best handbag that is entirely covered in Swarovski crystals, I can personally guarantee that you will be stopped for further inspection. And, you’ll have to wait for the TSA agents to show all their friends and ask for a photo. They will then want to check inside your clutch. And we know there is no telling what damning items you forgot in that thing since its last soireé.
- Lubricant. You may have wisely chosen to pack lubricant under the 3.4oz limit, but you absolutely cannot disregard the brand. While on the way to Amsterdam, airport security questioned my friend extensively about the Gun Oil product in his carry-on. They ultimately let him keep it. However, not without a thorough interview in front of our friends. We all enjoyed the moment all too much for the next few days at brunch. You try explaining to the agent that your Gun Oil is, in fact, not intended for oiling a gun.
- Store-bought Pie. No one you are visiting has done anything to deserve your last-minute, thoughtless pie of choice from your local supermarket. Although the TSA approves this item for both checked bags and carry-ons, the TS-GAY bans it! Just show up empty-handed like you did last year. Everyone is just happy to see you. And this is your chance to rush in, empty handed, and head directly to your nieces and nephews for pics to post on the ‘gram, pretending you didn’t wish you were spending 24 hours at Berghain instead.
Happy holiday to you and yours. Cheers to the families we choose. And to the friends who will undoubtedly get hammered with or without us this Thanksgiving. Please drink responsibly and be honest if your “Friendsgiving” is just a sex party with cake.